They Don't get it

Most don't. You can't say "I understand" when you clearly don't. Most of my family doesn't understand save for a sister and aunt. My aunt is bipolar as well and understands the ride you stay on. I am tired of hearing the phrase "it's all in your head". No shit. Most don't take the time to research it. If they did then maybe they would understand what you go through daily. My wife doesn't get it. As much as I try to talk to her about it at times, she tunes out after a few minutes. She won't do the research that would help her not only understand but also how to cope with it. She says that as long as your going to the doctor thats good enough for me. Yet will, for whatever reason find humor in it. I guess thats ok if that helps you deal with me, but I don't find it amusing at all. Do it away from me and not where I can hear you. I want to scream at times. I want to say trade places for one day so you can experince the pain I go through just for one day. How funny would it be then? How funny is it to fight wanting to put a bullet in your head every damn day? Or the racing thoughts that wont stop especially when you try to sleep? Or walking around fighting with the "minni me" inside? Not being able to leave the house unless I have "protection" with me to make sure no one comes near me so I don't freak out. The fear of having the cops after you and having to check thru windows whenever you hear an outside noise and having an escape plan for when they kick the door in even though I have done nothing wrong. Having to deal with the daily thought of you cheating on me even though your not. It's not funny to me. Maybe one day they will. Maybe one day the right cocktail and dosage of drugs will happen so I can be "normal" again although I don't know what normal is. Sorry for the rant.

I feel ok right now. Tired enough to sleep I hope. What kind of mood will I be in when I get up later. Who knows!

Bipolar and Me

I finally got help. After almost 30 years of unexplained behavior, I finally accepted it and got help. I was first diagnosed with bipolar after a major manic episode in 2002. I saw the p-doc once and never went back also throwing a prescription away on the way out. What bullshit I thought it was that I could have something so sinister. Nothing was wrong with me I thought and he was the "crazy" one. I went 4 more years with several "mild" manic episodes followed by the crash of depression ending with another major manic episode. Again I sought help after crashing again. Mostly to try and salvage what was left of my marriage. Yet although I was receving therapy, I again refused any medication. I still didn't think that anything was really wrong and just needed to get things off my chest and I would be fine. 2 more years, a few more manic episodes and then the major meltdown that is depression. Again I sought out the help I really need and finally accepted that I am sick and do need the meds. My DX is bipolar with psychotic features, OCPD, anxiety disorder, personality disorder and Paranoia. Although I believe some of this runs together as one, what do I know. Currently I take Lamactal 300 mg, Lithium 1200 mg, Seroquel 300 mg, Campral 2000 mg and Paxil 20 mg. Both of the doc's say I will get better. Most times I believe them and sometimes I find that hard to believe. I have finally applied for disability because Its to hard to work. I don't have a timeline and gave up after much stress of trying to figure out when that light will come. Its one day at a time. I started this blog to attempt to find an outlet between doctor visits and to share with tose that are in the same situation. Feel free to comment or even email me. Enjoy the blog!!!